Drilldo's, Big Wet Arses, and more.... all in a days work.

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Bumper Vans, the rematch.

Summer time is our slow season. Most people would much rather be outside doing summery things than sitting inside watching TV. Which is nice for us, we can take some time off and do summery things too. It's also great because milk rots and spoils in the hot summer sun, and can STINK up a van when left in there over the weekend.

Knowing full well that Andy was going to try and get revenge for the whole coleslaw to the face thing, I decided I needed to be proactive about the situation. The nice thing about owning the vans was I had keys to his van but he didn't have keys to mine. Thursday night I got back to the shop late, and he had already taken off. He asked if he could have a long weekend to go up north to his cottage with his girlfriend, so the timing was ideal. I went in our mini fridge and took out 2 half full bottles of chocolate milk that were about to expire. Josh and I went out to Andy's van, and proceeded to remove the front seats. Our plan was pure genius.

Once the seats were out, we pulled the seat skins off. I had a box of thumb tacks from my desk, and we began to put them down in the foam, pointy side up. Once all the tacks were in place, we put the seat skins back on, and put the seats back in the van. It was perfect, you couldn't see a thing but if you pushed down hard enough you got a nasty poke. I removed the caps off the old milk, and placed the jugs under the seat. I used a zip tie through the handle to hold the milk upright, I didn't want the stuff spilling out.

That weekend was one of the hottest weekends we had all summer. For 3 days the milk sat in the van, fermenting in the heat. I checked it periodically, and by sunday afternoon you could almost smell it from the outside. It was so gross, so nasty, so... evil. I called Josh that night to tell him to come in a half hour early the next morning, I wanted to be far away when Andy and Kenny discovered the nasty skankness that awaited them. I tried to be nice, and gave Andy a short route that day.

The following morning went like clockwork. Josh showed up right went we planned, and we hightailed it out of there. After a little while my phone rang. It was Andy. "YOU DIRTY MOTHER #%$^& C$^^#$ SUCKING SON OF A B^#$^ I F%$^ING HATE YOU!!" I laughed, and asked where he was at. He was still at the shop trying to get the stankiness out of the van. Kenny had ran to the drug store to buy some febreeze and some pine trees and then they would be off. Apparently he had not discovered the tacks yet. 20 minutes later I got another, much angrier phone call. For fear of getting this thread locked I will not repeat what was said, but Andy made it clear that we were going to pay dearly for this.

Josh and I arrived at our job, which was a pretty big one. We spent most of the day there, mounting speakers, fishing wires, programming remotes, and so on. Andy called a few times to see how things were going, He informed me one of his customers had to reschedule, and that he was going to be done early. He was very interested in what time we were going to be done, which should have tipped me off, but I was trying to concentrate on getting done. 6 hours later Josh and I finished, packed up our tools, took care of paperwork, and went outside.

We walked right into it. I was standing at the back of the van loading the tool boxes up, and Josh was messing with the ladder rack trying to get it to lock. What happened next can only be described as a massacre. Out of nowhere I felt this sharp impacting pain on my lower legs. It hurt, bad. I looked down to see what looked like blood running down my leg. As I bent down something whizzed by where my head was, and smacked into the van. It was a paint. Josh started screaming, and Kenny and Andy popped out of the bushes across the street, yelling like a couple of Indians. Guns blazing, they proceeded to pelt us with paintballs.

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of getting hit with a paintball, it hurts. On bare skin, like our uncovered legs were as we were wearing shorts that day, it hurts worse. I dove into the back of the van, but not before taking several direct hits to the arms, neck, and chest. Josh didn't fare much better, he took one to the side of the face. Andy and Kenny howled with laughter as they emptied their hoppers onto our van. Those dirty bastards had gone on the computer to see where my last customer was, and came out to lie in wait.

Inside the van, we were a mess. Badly bruised and covered in paint, we were pissed. But we weren't going to go down like that. Not without a fight. Not here, not now, not anytime.

To be continued...

Bedtime :)
 
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I recently broke a bolt off in the end of my crank shaft, here's a related story

First, a little background. Before I started my own company, I worked for another company as the services manager. Basically what I did was manage all the relationships/contacts we had with all of the stores, vendors, dealers, hiring new eployees, some training, etc. The company was growing fast, and I was a very busy person. Anyways, it was late thursday night, and my boss and several office ladies (I shall refer to them as the "dispatch bitches", they come into play in another story)and I were sitting around bs'ing after work, and my boss asked me if I was willing to do some travelling. "Sure, where do you want me to go?" I asked. "Colorado" he replied. We talked about it for a few minutes, and it sounded like a great opportunity, plus he offered me a increase in pay plus covering my expenses while I was gone. I nearly shit my pants with excitement as I asked "When do I leave?" Well, my boss was not one for planning things out really well, and he told me I needed to leave Saturday morning. And I had to drive. From Detroit. To Colorado. And I had to buy a new truck to drive out there in. And pack. And make arrangements for someone to watch my house, take care of my pets, make sure my bills were paid, etc.
I was pissed, but I managed to get everything taken care of, albeit a little late. I left at about 8 pm Saturday night. I had a meeting at 9am in Colorado Springs monday morning, I had ALOT of driving to do and little time to do it in. To pass the time I decided to text and call everyone I knew, to help keep me awake and from getting bored.

About 2am, I get a phone call from our beloved Andy, who seemed VERY distressed. I don't know if you remember the "How to break up a happy couple?" thread, but Andy is half of that "happy :rolleyes: couple"
Me: Hello?
Andy: Hey, I got a bit of a problem..
Me: Ok...
Andy: No, really. 100% serious, I need you to be completely honest with me.
Me: Allright... what's up?
Andy: No, I'm not kidding... this is serious and I need to know the truth.
Me: OK OK, I get it what the hell do you want?


.....


Andy: <sighs>
Me: GODDAMIT WHAT?!

....

Andy: Can you break your dick?

<silence, then muffled laughter, then me ROARING>
Me: HAHA!? WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? WHAT DID YOU DO?
Andy: Well... Lindsay (succubus, also best friends younger sister) got a little back door action tonight
Me: BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! HOLY SHIT! NO FUCKING WAY YOU STUCK IT IN LINDSAYS ASS?!?!
Andy: HA, yeah.... <sounds worried> But I think I broke my dick...
Me: <uncontrollable laugther>
Andy: FUCK YOU ITS NOT FUNNY! IT HURTS, I CAN'T EVEN TOUCH IT
Me: <more uncontrollable laughter>
Me: Ok... <snicker> What happened?
Andy: Well, she actually liked it...
Me: Ok?
Andy: Well, I was jamming her in her ass, and she started jamming back
Me: And...?
Andy: Well it slipped out and she jammed it really hard and it made this pop noise and I swear to god I think its broken
Me: <uncontrollable laughter>
Andy: FUCK YOU!!! I'M SERIOUS!
Me: This is too good, we gotta get Josh in on this, hang on...
Andy: No, wait, I don't want anyone to know about...
*click, beeeep*
Josh: Hello?
Me: DUUUUUUUDE! GUESS WHAT!!??!?!
Josh: Dammit, its 2:30 in the morning, what the hell do you want!?
Me: ANDY STUCK IT IN LINDSAYS ASS!
Josh: Hahaha, WHAT!?
Me: Yeah, hang on I got Andy on 3 way
*click, beeeeeep*
Andy: Hello?
Josh: YOU STUCK IT IN HER BUTT?!
Me: <uncontrollable laughter>
Andy: Goddammit Mike, you're an asshole!
Me: An asshole, huh? You keep your dick away from me, or I'll break it OFF!
Josh: DUDE YOU REALLY DID IT! HA! I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU TO DO THAT FOR HOW LONG NOW?!
<noise in the background. Jenny, Josh's not hot (so dont ask for pics) fiancee wakes up, wants to know what the hell is going on. She grabs the phone>
Jenny: JOHNSON! ANDY! WHAT THE FUCK WE WERE SLEEPING!? THIS BETTER BE IMPORTANT!?!
Andy: HAHAHAHAHAAaaaa
Me: ANDY STUCK IT IN LINDSAYS ASS!
Jenny: Holy shit dude, high five!

So this went on for a good hour, it was amazing. So amazing I was so involved in the conversation I missed my exit, and ended up in northern Minnesota. Minnesota, even any part of it, is not on the way from Detroit to Denver. I've got some mishaps/adventures from the trip, but I'm saving them to keep me from getting banned at a later date.

Fast forward to sunday night, after the bolt breaks off on my crank shaft and an easy out has broken off in this hardened bolt. Andy is there, and Mr. V (best friends father, also Lindsay's father) is there as well, assessing the situation.

Mr. V: Wow... I can't believe you broke that big bolt off, its huge!
Andy: Yeah, Mikes a dumbass...
Me: OH REALLY?! I'm a dumbass, huh?
Andy: Yeah, what?
Mr. V: That easy out is hardened, I can't believe it broke off in there
Me: Well, the pulley has to be pressed onto the crank, its an interference fit. I had to use the longer bolt to get it seated, I didn't expect it to break.
Mr. V: <picks up the balancer, and tries to slide it on the crank> Wow, thats a tight fit, I think that hole is too small. Either way I can't get over that bolt breaking off in there.
Andy: Yep, he's a dumbass.
Me: Hmm... You know Mr. V, Andy's pretty good at breaking hardened tools in tight holes too!

Andy turns white as a ghost, yet can't say a word.

Mr. V: What?
Me: Yeah, he was working with his crankshaft and broke it or something in a hole that was too tight!

Andy, still speechless, looks like he's going to cry

Mr. V: Really? When was this?
Me: Oh, it was awhile ago, as it turns out it really wasn't broken like he thought and the problem sorta worked it self out in about 2 weeks. He couldn't use it for that time though!
Mr. V: Oh, was this when you needed to borrow one of our cars, Andy?
Me: <snicker>
Andy: Yes, sir <gives me the look of death>
Mr. V: Oh, well.... you guys really gotta be more careful with this stuff, you can't be so rough with it!
 
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oh hell yeah! we got another story folks! I was having a great couple days until I walked into the apartment this morning after work and had to yell at my roommates for something. I might have awakened a couple of the neighbors as well. This just lightened up my mood again though.
 
The Shemale incident (this was the first week of may :eek:)

It was one of the first hot days of the year and we were working in a city called Lincoln Park, installing a surround sound system and some outdoor speakers. Mike and Travis were working inside in the living room, and I was darting back and forth between the basement and the back porch, running wires outside to where the speakers were going to go.

Now this customer was a referral from another job we did a few months back. We installed a plasma and some other things for a guy, and when his father needed something done, the son called us. Travis did the site survey, and when we went back to do the actual install the homeowner was not there, but the son was.

Everything was going smoothly, we had everything up in the kitchen and outdoors, and it was time to test the system out. EVERYTHING about this job so far had been completely normal and I was definitely not expecting what was about to happen. I ran some RCA lines from the office where he gentlemans computer was into the living room where the receiver was, so the guy could listen to his MP3 collection throughout the house. Wanting to test everything out before we showed the guy how to use it, I went into the office and sat down at the computer.

The owner had it password protected, so I asked the son, who was in another room, if he could please put the password in so I could try playing an MP3. He yelled back from the other room "The password is Kenworth, do your thing man!" So I type in the password, and it lets me on. Everything about this computer seemed normal. There was a picture of the grandson playing with the family dog on the background, normal icons and nothing wierd. I hit the start menu, and clicked my way through until I got to Windows Media Player. I opened it, and that's when all hell broke loose.

"HOT SHEMALE ACTION!!!!" popped up on the screen, apparently because it was the last file that was opened. I damn near broke the mouse I clicked the "X" so hard. I sat there for a second in utter disgust, when I realized that the son was standing behind me. Blood rushed to my head and the hair stood up on the back of my neck as I could hear my own heartbeat pounding in my ears.

"OH MY GOD THAT'S F'N SICK!" the son yells as he realizes what just happened. I sat there for a second, not knowing what to think. The son had been using the computer when I got there... was he the freak, or was it his father? Maybe they were both freaks? I don't know, and I still don't know.

The next few minutes were the most akward minutes I had had in a long time. The son goes "So... did you see what that was?" I couldn't even talk yet, I was so shocked. I nodded my head. He went on about having to have a talk with his old man, and I nodded to that wondering if he was going to have to hide this from his old man since they could have been his. One of the mini to RCA adaptors we had to use to connect the computer to the stereo was defective, and the guy was supposed to call us to come back and replace it. So far, its been 4 weeks and this freak hasn't called. I'm guessing the videos were dad's, the son confronted him about it, and he's too embarrassed to call us.
 
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No cheating...you told that one (word for word it looks like) at the top of this page... ;)
 
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Attack of the flying squirrel

I'm an antagonist, I get great enjoyment out of frustrating, annoying, scaring, and just getting reactions in general out of people. While we would work, Josh and I used to enjoy talking about ways to mess with people. Josh's father once told us how when he was younger he used to tie trash cans together with fishing line on opposite sides of the street, and when cars would come by and catch the line it would pull the cans in and they would smack the back of the car. I personally don't think this is very funny considering I would murder someone if they did it to my car, but I can also see how someone else would find it humorous. Wanting to do something similar yet not cause any harm, Josh and I devised the ultimate prank to scare motorists.

One afternoon after work, we hopped in my car and drove around, looking for the freshest roadkill we could find. We lucked out and found a squirrel that was completely intact, yet stiff as a board from rigor mortis. We went a few streets down from Josh's house, and found a spot where the power lines cross perpendicular to the road. We took our dead squirrel, and tied 30 or 40 feet of fishing line to both of his front paws, and tossed him over the power line. We laid the squirrel down in the middle of the street, so it looked like fresh roadkill, and hid in the bushes on opposite sides.

The first car comes down the street, and as soon as it got close Josh and I yanked our ends of the fishing line, and the squirrel jumped up about 4 feet off the ground. From a distance, and an oncoming car, it looked as if the squirrel was levitating in mid air. The driver slammed on her brakes and the car came to a screeching halt. The woman in the car screamed in terror as the squirrel dangled by almost invisible strings from the power lines up above. We started to pull the squirrel higher, and she screamed again and floored it down the street. We were laughing so hard we nearly weren't ready for the next car.

A big conversion van came lumbering down the road with an older man driving. As soon as he reached the marker we put on the road, we yanked the rope, the squirrel flew up, but it was too late. The van's windshield smacked into the squirrel, sending it swinging upward. I'm not sure what the driver thought about the whole thing, because he kept on going as if nothing happened. We set the squirrel back down, and went back to the bushes to hide. A few more cars came by, some swerved, some honked, most screamed, and one guy started laughed his ass off. We were thoroughly enjoying ourselves, until the police came.

Apparently someone did not find our squirrel trick as funny as we did, and decided to call the police. The cruiser came down the street, and I waved to Josh and shook my head NO. The cruiser got closer, and started to slow down upon approaching the squirrel. The officer stopped just short of the squirrel, and started to get out of his car. At that point, Josh and I both decided we had had enough fun for the day, and both took off into the back yards of the houses we were at. We escaped, but when we went back later our squirrel was gone :(
 
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