So my dad is getting old, it kinda blows.....

347convert

347convert

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My dad is 73 and over the last 2 years I've really watched him slow down. I'm an only child and lately my parents have really been depending on me to help them out. I bet my dad calls me up 5 times a week to stop by and move some stuff around the house. If he isn't doing that he guilt trips me to go shooting or out to lunch.

What Im asking here is do you guys have any advice for how I can help my dad/parents and still keep my foot on the throttle? I know that he wont be around forever and I do enjoy getting lunch with him its just tough to pace a retired guy with nothing going on lol. Right now my parents are cleaning out and selling a rental house, i cant explain to them that its incredibly stressful to have to deal with all of their stuff, and all of my stuff, and Ive never been busier than I am right now.

Plus my wifes dad hasnt been doing very well either, so its like a triple whammy around this place lately.

I dont want thins to sound like im just whining about the situation, I do what ever I can for them, Just wondering if you guys have been in this situation and what you have done to make it easier on both parties??
 
Integrate your folks with her folks to have them help each other?

Could your father be a helper around your shop? Maybe instead of going out to lunch, he and your mother could make a nice lunch to bring to you instead of going out? Can they afford a vacation trip (long road trip) ? If health is for the most part good on your folks side, it might be a good thing to venture out while they can. As age creeps up, it can take away the health which limits the 'going out and about' abilities.
 
Beigg said:
Integrate your folks with her folks to have them help each other?

Could your father be a helper around your shop? Maybe instead of going out to lunch, he and your mother could make a nice lunch to bring to you instead of going out? Can they afford a vacation trip (long road trip) ? If health is for the most part good on your folks side, it might be a good thing to venture out while they can. As age creeps up, it can take away the health which limits the 'going out and about' abilities.
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Our parents get along just fine, but her mom works constantly and her dad is having some serious health issues..

My mom works and to make matters worse my parents just had to put the dog down not to long ago, which is part of the reason sitting at home drives him nuts. He comes up to the shop and runs errands for me all the time when he can. My mom does taxes and as soon as she is done they will be going on a trip sometime.. But then after that 2 of them will be sitting around brainstorming projects for me lol.

its almost like i need to set up some sort of man date afternoons and just schedule the shit in.

My dad is actually a pretty healthy guy, just getting slow, and not as strong as he used to be.
 
You might also consider yourself lucky. Some people don't have close relationships with their parents but wish they did.

Maybe you need to find a mutual hobby or something you share and set a regular schedule built around that.

Life is short - enjoy while it lasts.
 
95 Z/28 LT1 said:
You might also consider yourself lucky. Some people don't have close relationships with their parents but wish they did.

Maybe you need to find a mutual hobby or something you share and set a regular schedule built around that.

Life is short - enjoy while it lasts.
Click to expand...

I'm most definitely trying to look at it that way. We hit the shooting range every now and then, when I need to drive 30 or 40 min to drop some work off or pick something up I take him with me.

In fact one of my good friends and his parents don't get along very well and I tried to give him the warning of watching my dad slow down. I have great parents and we have a pretty good relationship, I just feel like I'm hurting the guys feelings when life gets in the way. On the other hand I feel shitty for blowing off responsibility to go do some of this stuff. It's damned if I do damned if I don't
 
While your Father is getting a bit older, you shouldn't sweat the small stuff right now. My Father died when he was 44 and I was literally on the plane home from Viet Nam and hadn't seen him for more than a year. So, you get to see your folks quite a bit and that is good. That being said, my Mother is 87 and still around. She is very healthy,lives on her own in a senior citizens apartment complex, but requires some care. My brother or I go to her apartment every day to make sure she eats. If she forgets to eat, or drink something, she gets dizzy and can fall. Her memory is failing, but she remembers us just fine and things we did as kids, but can't remember what she did yesterday or if she ate.

I can say from experience that things begin going downhill at an alarming rate once you turn 60ish. I am 66 and try doing things I did just a few years ago but can't. For the first time in my life I am asking for help and you will be there at some point. It is OK if you just say no once in a while, too. You may be taking care of them full time at some point and you'll realize that it isn't that big of a deal. My daughter is 26 and has absolutely zero time for us right now, but we both work and can still get around pretty well. We may need her at some point, but not right now.

Just my .02.....grr
 
grr456 said:
While your Father is getting a bit older, you shouldn't sweat the small stuff right now. My Father died when he was 44 and I was literally on the plane home from Viet Nam and hadn't seen him for more than a year. So, you get to see your folks quite a bit and that is good. That being said, my Mother is 87 and still around. She is very healthy,lives on her own in a senior citizens apartment complex, but requires some care. My brother or I go to her apartment every day to make sure she eats. If she forgets to eat, or drink something, she gets dizzy and can fall. Her memory is failing, but she remembers us just fine and things we did as kids, but can't remember what she did yesterday or if she ate.

I can say from experience that things begin going downhill at an alarming rate once you turn 60ish. I am 66 and try doing things I did just a few years ago but can't. For the first time in my life I am asking for help and you will be there at some point. It is OK if you just say no once in a while, too. You may be taking care of them full time at some point and you'll realize that it isn't that big of a deal. My daughter is 26 and has absolutely zero time for us right now, but we both work and can still get around pretty well. We may need her at some point, but not right now.

Just my .02.....grr
Click to expand...

This.
 
My mother had back surgery 8 or 9 years ago that left her disabled. With out my dad in the picture and being an only child her care became my burden, like it is becoming with you.


I ended up buying a house that had an in-laws suite added on. It has a full bathroom, bed room, living room and we added a kitchenette. She has her own space, we have our privacy. It's not ideal when you have a wife and a family, but having the family member who you have to care for at home makes things a lot easier. Any time I am home I can just walk over and lend a hand.

Just something to think about, might be a good idea down the road to make things easier on you.
 
grr456 said:
While your Father is getting a bit older, you shouldn't sweat the small stuff right now. My Father died when he was 44 and I was literally on the plane home from Viet Nam and hadn't seen him for more than a year. So, you get to see your folks quite a bit and that is good. That being said, my Mother is 87 and still around. She is very healthy,lives on her own in a senior citizens apartment complex, but requires some care. My brother or I go to her apartment every day to make sure she eats. If she forgets to eat, or drink something, she gets dizzy and can fall. Her memory is failing, but she remembers us just fine and things we did as kids, but can't remember what she did yesterday or if she ate.

I can say from experience that things begin going downhill at an alarming rate once you turn 60ish. I am 66 and try doing things I did just a few years ago but can't. For the first time in my life I am asking for help and you will be there at some point. It is OK if you just say no once in a while, too. You may be taking care of them full time at some point and you'll realize that it isn't that big of a deal. My daughter is 26 and has absolutely zero time for us right now, but we both work and can still get around pretty well. We may need her at some point, but not right now.

Just my .02.....grr
Click to expand...

Sir, you put things in perspective so very well!

I can relate to most everything you said. My father
died when I was 8 years old. My mother is in the same
exact situation your mother is (mine is 84).

Mike, there really isn't much more or better advice
to be given. I wish you the best in this precious
relationship with your parents.
 
jsxtreme said:
My mother had back surgery 8 or 9 years ago that left her disabled. With out my dad in the picture and being an only child her care became my burden, like it is becoming with you.


I ended up buying a house that had an in-laws suite added on. It has a full bathroom, bed room, living room and we added a kitchenette. She has her own space, we have our privacy. It's not ideal when you have a wife and a family, but having the family member who you have to care for at home makes things a lot easier. Any time I am home I can just walk over and lend a hand.

Just something to think about, might be a good idea down the road to make things easier on you.
Click to expand...

This is the road I will probably be going down. Last year my mom broke her arm and ankle on the same side of her body, she stayed with me for a few months until she was finally admitted into a physical therapy place. She will be 70 this year, but is definitely slowing down. Myself and my brother are close to our mom, and it would be no issue if she had to live with me full time. I see many people simply putting their parent(s) into a retirement home and seem to forget about them, only going to visit on a birthday or holiday. That to me is rude and selfish.
 
You may want to try to clear a time of day once a week that is "parents time" just have him get his chore list together and hammer it out at one time instead of multiple trips.
 
grr456 said:
While your Father is getting a bit older, you shouldn't sweat the small stuff right now. My Father died when he was 44 and I was literally on the plane home from Viet Nam and hadn't seen him for more than a year. So, you get to see your folks quite a bit and that is good. That being said, my Mother is 87 and still around. She is very healthy,lives on her own in a senior citizens apartment complex, but requires some care. My brother or I go to her apartment every day to make sure she eats. If she forgets to eat, or drink something, she gets dizzy and can fall. Her memory is failing, but she remembers us just fine and things we did as kids, but can't remember what she did yesterday or if she ate.

I can say from experience that things begin going downhill at an alarming rate once you turn 60ish. I am 66 and try doing things I did just a few years ago but can't. For the first time in my life I am asking for help and you will be there at some point. It is OK if you just say no once in a while, too. You may be taking care of them full time at some point and you'll realize that it isn't that big of a deal. My daughter is 26 and has absolutely zero time for us right now, but we both work and can still get around pretty well. We may need her at some point, but not right now.

Just my .02.....grr
Click to expand...

I think because I'm 36 and a bit of a kid inside it's just a little overwhelming. It's hard not to feel like a POS sometimes when I run out of time at the end of the day, but if you look at the time of my last post vs this one, that's typically my amount of sleep right now.

My parents are actively trying to do things to help me.....Help them. They are in the process of selling their rental, after that they will most likely sell the house they are in and get a condo in the area with first floor laundry. Just the combination of those things will help a ton.
 
jsxtreme said:
My mother had back surgery 8 or 9 years ago that left her disabled. With out my dad in the picture and being an only child her care became my burden, like it is becoming with you.


I ended up buying a house that had an in-laws suite added on. It has a full bathroom, bed room, living room and we added a kitchenette. She has her own space, we have our privacy. It's not ideal when you have a wife and a family, but having the family member who you have to care for at home makes things a lot easier. Any time I am home I can just walk over and lend a hand.

Just something to think about, might be a good idea down the road to make things easier on you.
Click to expand...

My girls mom is a real estate agent and I found the house that was 4400 sqft about 20min west of me on a few Acres. It was pretty perfect because it had an entire apartment on THE OTHER SIDE of the house lol. We just didn't have the funds lined up to do it. Honestly I could see my parents getting a small place in FL and a trailer on a lake herr., Then spending a little bit of time with us between those places.

I guess what we have going for us if that between my wife and I we have a great relationship with our parents, and other than myself they are not broke.
 
Tin said:
This is the road I will probably be going down. Last year my mom broke her arm and ankle on the same side of her body, she stayed with me for a few months until she was finally admitted into a physical therapy place. She will be 70 this year, but is definitely slowing down. Myself and my brother are close to our mom, and it would be no issue if she had to live with me full time. I see many people simply putting their parent(s) into a retirement home and seem to forget about them, only going to visit on a birthday or holiday. That to me is rude and selfish.
Click to expand...

I just know for some reason I'm gonna have Amandas mom, and my mom living here at some point, at the same time... I'm gonna film it and make a YouTube show out of it lol.

I agree on the selfish part. I think that's why I'm hard on my friend to talk to his dad more. 20 years are going to pass and he won't even remember the reason he was mad in the first place, it just leads to regret.

I guess what I have in my corner is I know the guy won't be around forever, and that I need to loosen up a little. The Amanda's dad getting sick really fucked things up because Amanda's parents are young. I knew I'd still have parents late in life, but it's not looking that way.
 
347convert said:
My girls mom is a real estate agent and I found the house that was 4400 sqft about 20min west of me on a few Acres. It was pretty perfect because it had an entire apartment on THE OTHER SIDE of the house lol. We just didn't have the funds lined up to do it. Honestly I could see my parents getting a small place in FL and a trailer on a lake herr., Then spending a little bit of time with us between those places.

I guess what we have going for us if that between my wife and I we have a great relationship with our parents, and other than myself they are not broke.
Click to expand...

That's exactly how my house is laid out. 2500 sq foot single story ranch and my moms "area" is about 800 sq foot built off the end of house. Gives us plenty of privacy from each other.

See if your parents would be interested in selling and putting that money towards a big house all of you could live in, if you're wife up for it. Thats the challenge. :lol:
 
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