Parenting advice needed

fyoung7

fyoung7

Club Member
So here is a little history.
My daughter is 20. She has had the same boyfriend for over 4 years off and on. The boyfriends parents are complete dumb nuts and the boyfriend is the same age 20 but after time we have realized he is very immature.

My fault is allowing things to happen over past years. His dad is complete dickhead that was able to move out when was 18 and somehow was able to make it, so he thinks everyone should do what he did.

So in short he basically kicked his son out at 18 and stayed with us for about a year rent free.(over the 20 years being the wimp I am I have allowed family members stay with us when things went bad for them)

So over the first year I came to realize this kid really only cares about himself and maybe a about my daughter never really been able to decide on that.

At 19 he decided he wanted a place of his own which was more the welcome to go, but my daughter was to go with him and that was where I put my foot down and in short told him to go ahead and do it but don't bring my daughter into your mess basically I didn't want my daughter that I feel is to young to do this and deserved better the a 10x10 studio. So somehow he moved in with a buddy which lasted about 6 months.

slowly (my fault again) he ended up back at my house. Rent free again. He has a car that his master mechanic dad can't seem to fix so the free ride also includes my daughter car which we pay the insurance. The pisser is never once has he offered any money for food or rent anything. I never really confronted him because my daughter plays the you don't like him card. when I ask her about him paying she says you never ask him. I explain to her I did not raise you like that and you should be willing to offer and not be asked.

So here is the thing. I am hopefully going to be getting a new house in a month or so and told my daughter that he can stay until we move but he will not be coming to the new house along with us and few other rules she don't even know about yet. tears start and I'm asked where does he go I explain that not my problem

so now I get word that she my not be coming to the new house. so I am thinking once again he wants a place of his own. I explained last time if she wants to go I will cut off all financial support (car insurance, cell phone etc) so she can really feel like what it is to be on your own, and I will do the same this time, but I really don't want her to go because I am pretty damn sure it will fail


Even if it is my daughter and it is not something I want to do but at what point do I just let it happen. As most parents know if you try to push the apart most of the time it works the opposite. I thing I was hoping was this move would be a start without me pushing.

Any thoughts
 
You allowed this mess. WTF were you thinking allowing your daughter's bf to live under your roof?
Your daughter is 20, not 2 - she needs to get her own place.
Tell your little princess that she's an adult & she needs to start acting like one.
Unless she is going to school full time I wouldn't let her stay.
Just my .02.
 
mdhmi said:
You allowed this mess. WTF were you thinking allowing your daughter's bf to live under your roof?
Your daughter is 20, not 2 - she needs to get her own place.
Tell your little princess that she's an adult & she needs to start acting like one.
Unless she is going to school full time I wouldn't let her stay.
Just my .02.
Click to expand...
She is in school.
Yes this is my fault now I just trying to fix a mess before it gets worst
 
I think your making a good decision this time around. She's an adult, and you gave her a simple choice to make. You told her what the result would be if she were to leave. You are obligated now to see it through. She has to know AND see your serious about what you say. If you don't stand your ground now, it will continue down hill indefinitely. Good luck.
 
mdhmi said:
You allowed this mess. WTF were you thinking allowing your daughter's bf to live under your roof?
Your daughter is 20, not 2 - she needs to get her own place.
Tell your little princess that she's an adult & she needs to start acting like one.
Unless she is going to school full time I wouldn't let her stay.
Just my .02.
Click to expand...
I agree no grown man can stay at your house job or no job even worse her boyfriend I have 2 daughters in their 20's.The girl will always end up with the loser guy like it or not you have to let her go on her own and find her own way. Hang in there man until she learns.
 
That's a tough call when she's in school. Do you ever sit down and show her how expensive life is, lay out the Consumers bill, cars & home insurance bills, how much Uncle Sam makes from you, school costs, and then break it down by an $8 an hour job? My son told me how many hours he'll work to pay the $4K
tuition bill at $8...it's forever to a teenager.
 
Kids don't seem to mature as quickly as they did in years past. Most of it is because parents coddle them and hand them everything they need.
I am not a parent and probably never will be, with that said I can't really give you and advice as far as that goes but I will say that if I did have a kid I would teach it to save money from the day it was old enough to know what money is. That way when it comes time for college, you tell the kid here's some $ out of your savings if you need books. You want a car? I'll pay 1/2 you pay the rest. Same for insurance. Kids should have a job at an early age and learn what work is and learn the value of a dollar.

As for her boyfriend.. girls will always date losers. You just have to sit back and let her make her mistakes and learn from them.

Good luck
 
Support her well being, but dont financially support her mistakes. Hope she doesn't piss it all away by becoming preggo with said turd.
 
Let her go just tell her when she realizes this guys a bum she can come back and he can't she will see when he bleeds her dry that he ain't shit and come back home.good luck
 
pics of daughter?


she's 20, she should already be paying her own bills. when i was 18 i took over all my bills but was still allowed to live at home. the only things my mom helped with was a place to stay and food. other than that if i couldn't afford it i didn't have it. 20 years old is NOT a child, don't treat her like one.

let them suffer a little, it builds character.
 
fyoung7 said:
That is how I am feeling at this point. Go on see what the real world is like
Click to expand...

Fact is, as parents, we always want the best for our children, and will always extend them the most latitude possible. It's always easy to spout off about "tough love", but no parent wants to (a) risk alienating their child, or (b) feeling responsible if they somehow ruin their lives. Effective parenting is all about keeping an open line of communication, honest and frank dialogue, and understanding that the social pressures on young people are tougher than ever. Talk to her....and keep talking....until you get this worked out. Parental love is unconditional...Period.

Good luck with everything....
 
Thanks for the comments funny thing is I have ran every statement through my head, it is just which one will I act on.
 
hangemhigh said:
Fact is, as parents, we always want the best for our children, and will always extend them the most latitude possible. It's always easy to spout off about "tough love", but no parent wants to (a) risk alienating their child, or (b) feeling responsible if they somehow ruin their lives. Effective parenting is all about keeping an open line of communication, honest and frank dialogue, and understanding that the social pressures on young people are tougher than ever. Talk to her....and keep talking....until you get this worked out. Parental love is unconditional...Period.

Good luck with everything....
Click to expand...
x2
 
fyoung7 said:
So here is a little history.
My daughter is 20. She has had the same boyfriend for over 4 years off and on. The boyfriends parents are complete dumb nuts and the boyfriend is the same age 20 but after time we have realized he is very immature.

My fault is allowing things to happen over past years. His dad is complete dickhead that was able to move out when was 18 and somehow was able to make it, so he thinks everyone should do what he did.

So in short he basically kicked his son out at 18 and stayed with us for about a year rent free.(over the 20 years being the wimp I am I have allowed family members stay with us when things went bad for them)

So over the first year I came to realize this kid really only cares about himself and maybe a about my daughter never really been able to decide on that.

At 19 he decided he wanted a place of his own which was more the welcome to go, but my daughter was to go with him and that was where I put my foot down and in short told him to go ahead and do it but don't bring my daughter into your mess basically I didn't want my daughter that I feel is to young to do this and deserved better the a 10x10 studio. So somehow he moved in with a buddy which lasted about 6 months.

slowly (my fault again) he ended up back at my house. Rent free again. He has a car that his master mechanic dad can't seem to fix so the free ride also includes my daughter car which we pay the insurance. The pisser is never once has he offered any money for food or rent anything. I never really confronted him because my daughter plays the you don't like him card. when I ask her about him paying she says you never ask him. I explain to her I did not raise you like that and you should be willing to offer and not be asked.

So here is the thing. I am hopefully going to be getting a new house in a month or so and told my daughter that he can stay until we move but he will not be coming to the new house along with us and few other rules she don't even know about yet. tears start and I'm asked where does he go I explain that not my problem

so now I get word that she my not be coming to the new house. so I am thinking once again he wants a place of his own. I explained last time if she wants to go I will cut off all financial support (car insurance, cell phone etc) so she can really feel like what it is to be on your own, and I will do the same this time, but I really don't want her to go because I am pretty damn sure it will fail


Even if it is my daughter and it is not something I want to do but at what point do I just let it happen. As most parents know if you try to push the apart most of the time it works the opposite. I thing I was hoping was this move would be a start without me pushing.

Any thoughts
Click to expand...

I personally tihnk 20 is still young... IDGAF otherwise... She still has a lot to learn... Just like all of us did... It's up to you on how to handle it and how to act on it... Personally I think you should make her ass move with you... IF not... Cut her off... Let her start from ground zero and learn... Either way a daughters love will never go away for their dad....
 
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