Dear E90 BMW 325i: Bite me you steaming pile of shi*...
Dear BMW:
You are retards.
Is the weight balance of my slushbox car so critical to warrant placing the battery in the trunk? Because I was pretty damn pissed today when i realized that I could not open the electrically operated trunk release today with the battery dead. Oh sure you provided me with a wildly inconveniently placed positive terminal and no ground. I suppose this whispy 1" long hex hex standoff into the body will suffice.
I would also like to thank you for making it totally impossible to put the car in neutral without it running. Shift lock override? nonsense. Who would ever need that? I appreciated this when the car was about as movable as Stonehenge in the garage, with its right side battery post buried in the right hand stall, up against the wall where it was nearly inaccessible. Thankfully my GTI has a left mounted battery, in the left garage stall so that its terminals are 400' away from the BMW's. I of course had to construct the most rube-Goldberg arrangement of jumper cables known to man, breaking out a dilapidated set that was once used by Ben Franklin and a lightning bolt. After stringing then through both engine compartments, several trash cans and boxes I was able to connect both cars together.
Magic happened. The BMW springs to life, it's headlights illuminated, the dual zone climate control sensed the 104 degree ambient temperature and throttled the fans to full afterburner. The seats moved, the steering wheel moved, the radio tuned in and blared, and the dash illuminated the full FAA-Approved set of landing lights, back-lights, side lights, a video played in the screen, everything you could ever ask for and then some. I pushed the engine start button, and nothing....
Apparently the disco that is initiated upon space docking the five times larger than a normal key-keyless "key" had exhausted the allspark in the trunk. You know the trunk that was locked, protecting the allspark as if it was royalty. Several more attempts resulted in nothing more than a click.
My impromptu transmission line was enough to open the trunk however, which I might add cannot be opened with its key. the key will unlock the trunk, but does not pop the solenoid. Wonderful. What a kick in the pills. The 22 stray electrons that made it over to the BMW took pitty on me and joined forces to pop the solenoid from the inside button. I had cracked into the trunks norad like defenses, surely the allspark would be mine in short order.
It was not to be. I cont even figure out how to get the 13 layers of ballistic plastic away from the positive terminal. the negative terminal sits there naked, taunting me. The positive of the allspark however is covered by a fuse-able link, a circuit breaker, a roll over protection switch, a gas vent, and of course a metal bracket to hold the battery down in the event the car is dropped from the space station and lands inverted. I pull on all the above, but the force is strong and the 104 degree heat is melting away my will to live.
I surrender and replace the battery cover.
I scream at the car, unleashing a slew of profanity which clearly alarmed the neighbors in our relatively upscale neighborhood. The women and animals are spooked, and the men understand.
I return to the pleasant confines of the air conditioning and let the BMW trickle charge. If it starts fire, i don't care. Fire might be cooler than the outside temps anyway.
30 minutes later I go outside and sit in the car. I have a man to man with the dash, and mention that i have 5 gallons of unleaded, and 2.5 gallons of premix if it wanted to get lippy with me and refuse to start. I'm pretty sure I intimidated it. I pressed the key, engaged disco mode, and went for the starter button. It worked! the car was running and I backed it out of the garage for better access.
I sent my sister out in it and told her to take it for a long drive to let it charge. specifically telling her to drive it a while and not turn it off. I just got the call from her a minute ago. of course she drove it for 5 minutes, and turned it off.
I'm on my way over there now.
Thank fully the temperature has plummeted to 98. Hopefully I will succumb to heat stroke before I have to open the hood for the second time today.
The ultimate driving machine is not the ultimate starting machine.
