SSpdDmon
Club Member
:werd: You shoulda taped it Mike... :lol:
Drilldo's, Big Wet Arses, and more.... all in a days work.
- Thread starter Mike94ZLT1
- Start date
dave89iroc
Club Member
that was funny as hell
consciousthirteen
Club Member
OMG! the squirrel story is awesome. i wanna do that now! haha :lol: :roll:
SSpdDmon
Club Member
Was it like this (only with a squirrel)???
http://www.break.com/index/the-invisible-jump-rope.html
:lol:
http://www.break.com/index/the-invisible-jump-rope.html
:lol:
You should like a fun guy to hang around with. I dig your stories.
About the broken dick thing, it can happen. I used to work with a guy doing hvac. He was about 120lbs soaking wet and his wife was a bigger gal. She was on top and it popped out... then down she came and broke his dick. Last I heard he has a few surgeries to correct it.
I have a few stories from my hvac service days but they pale in comparison so I'll spare everyone.
About the broken dick thing, it can happen. I used to work with a guy doing hvac. He was about 120lbs soaking wet and his wife was a bigger gal. She was on top and it popped out... then down she came and broke his dick. Last I heard he has a few surgeries to correct it.
I have a few stories from my hvac service days but they pale in comparison so I'll spare everyone.
consciousthirteen
Club Member
I totally want to do that in my apartment complex sometime haha. just watch the people's reactions. I hope cory and jacquie don't read this thread. I could try and get them :lol:
Mike94ZLT1
Club Sponsor
You know what, I was thinking about it. I have many more stories and I'm sure I could fill a small book with them. The only people who have read them have all been on car message boards, and the response has been rather... huge. I did not expect the number of PM's and emails from various people asking for more when I don't post for awhile. I don't know how these stories would go over with the non automotive crowd though, seeing as how car guys, for the most part, are made from the same mold. I'm certainly entertaining the thought!
Golden
Club Member
lol I have contemplated writing a book about my work adventures....but I forgot a few of them since I didn't write them down.
dirtybird
Club Member
I am sure people with any sense of humor will read these. Honestly had you read any of the crap that is out there? This beats ALOT of that! Like everyone else has said you write very well and it makes you feel like you are there. :rockwoot:
Mike94ZLT1
Club Sponsor
I bet it would make a good comedy series on TV too, but it would have to be on adult swim or HBO or something to not piss people off. That would be fun to make!
Mike94ZLT1
Club Sponsor
Uncle Ralph
My Uncle Ralph is old, well into his 80's and is suffering from the onset of Alzheimers. Ralph has always been one to stir up the shit, and like myself loves to get reactions out of people. The problem with Ralph is that with his Alzheimers, he is incessant and repetitive about it, and more often than not he takes things a little too far. Ralph is infamous for telling dirty jokes, making fun of people of various ethnic backgrounds, and calling every female in sight "Amelia Rottencrotch." This day was no different.
I had some errands to run, and with no one to watch Uncle Ralph, I decided to take him with me. I told him we needed to go to to the bank, and he replied that he did not want to, and if I did not come home with corn on the cob he was going to go back to florida. After convincing Uncle Ralph that there was a bake sale at the bank and we needed to get some brownies, we left for the days adventures. Despite being somewhat mentally unstable, at first glance Ralph presents himself well. He is clean shaven, he combs his hair nice, he has bright eyes and a smile that will light up a room. He also loves to wear hospital scrubs, which really throws some people for a spin when he starts talking dirty.
After a short drive we arrived at ScotiaBank. Uncle Ralph and I walked in, and got in line. We came to the teller window, and my hopes were high because up until this point Ralph had been as quiet as a churchmouse, and had not said a word to the other patrons in line. All that ended when we came to the window...
Teller: Hello, how can I help you today?
Uncle Ralph: Hi! I'm Ralph!
Teller: Well hello Ralph! I'm Mary, how are you today?
I get a real worried look on my face, and shake my head violently "NO!!!!" to Mary the teller, but by then it was too late.
Uncle Ralph: I'm great! We're going to lunch, would you like to come?
Teller: Aww, that's so sweet, I will have to ask my manager. What are you having?
I smack my face and look at the floor. She walked right into it... I was actually trying not to laugh at this point, it was almost as if the lady had scripted this out with Ralph beforehand. I decided it was too late to stop at this point and since we're in Canada and I don't have to see these people often, I'll just let Uncle Ralph have his fun...
Uncle Ralph: We're having Chinese!
Me: Thats enough Ralph... <trying to prevent the disaster that is about to unfold>
Teller: Oh! That sounds wonderful! What will you order?
Uncle Ralph: I'm having the Chinese bumhole!
Teller: <slightly taken aback, but still unsure if she heard him correctly> Oh, I've never had that before...
Uncle Ralph: It's stuffed with BROWN rice!
Uncle Ralph got this big grin on his face, as the poor woman became visibly uncomfortable. I decided at that point that I would conduct my business at another time, due to the attention that Uncle Ralph was attracting with his boisterous voice and the giggling from the younger man beside us. I apologized to Mary, grabbed Ralph's arm and walked out of the bank. I stopped in the doorway to use the ATM, and Uncle Ralph continued outside.
Distracted momentarily by the ATM, Ralph was free to do as he pleased. He walked up to a young woman who was finishing a cigarette, and struck up a conversation. It took me a minute to realize what he might be talking about, and I gasped in horror as I realized what it was he was most likely talking about with the smoking woman. I quickly hit cancel on the ATM and ran outside, but it was too late, Ralph had delivered the punchline. I didn’t even give the woman time to react. I began apologizing as fast as I could, mumbled something about Alzheimers and stuffed Uncle Ralph in the car. I sat there for a moment with my head resting on the steering wheel. Unfortunately since I was in the bank I didn’t hear exactly how it went down, but I will tell you how I have heard it well over a thousand times…
Uncle Ralph: Smoking’s bad for you, you know.
Smoking woman: Thanks…. I didn’t know that…
Uncle Ralph: You know, I don’t drink or smoke!
Smoking woman: That’s nice…
Uncle Ralph: In fact, I’m so pure, I could become a Priest. But you know why I’m not?
Smoking woman: Why’s that?
Uncle Ralph: Because I don’t like little boys!
After a moment, I pick my head up off the steering wheel and look at Uncle Ralph.
“What was this you said about a bake sale?” he asks.
I put my head back down on the steering wheel. It was going to be a long day.
My Uncle Ralph is old, well into his 80's and is suffering from the onset of Alzheimers. Ralph has always been one to stir up the shit, and like myself loves to get reactions out of people. The problem with Ralph is that with his Alzheimers, he is incessant and repetitive about it, and more often than not he takes things a little too far. Ralph is infamous for telling dirty jokes, making fun of people of various ethnic backgrounds, and calling every female in sight "Amelia Rottencrotch." This day was no different.
I had some errands to run, and with no one to watch Uncle Ralph, I decided to take him with me. I told him we needed to go to to the bank, and he replied that he did not want to, and if I did not come home with corn on the cob he was going to go back to florida. After convincing Uncle Ralph that there was a bake sale at the bank and we needed to get some brownies, we left for the days adventures. Despite being somewhat mentally unstable, at first glance Ralph presents himself well. He is clean shaven, he combs his hair nice, he has bright eyes and a smile that will light up a room. He also loves to wear hospital scrubs, which really throws some people for a spin when he starts talking dirty.
After a short drive we arrived at ScotiaBank. Uncle Ralph and I walked in, and got in line. We came to the teller window, and my hopes were high because up until this point Ralph had been as quiet as a churchmouse, and had not said a word to the other patrons in line. All that ended when we came to the window...
Teller: Hello, how can I help you today?
Uncle Ralph: Hi! I'm Ralph!
Teller: Well hello Ralph! I'm Mary, how are you today?
I get a real worried look on my face, and shake my head violently "NO!!!!" to Mary the teller, but by then it was too late.
Uncle Ralph: I'm great! We're going to lunch, would you like to come?
Teller: Aww, that's so sweet, I will have to ask my manager. What are you having?
I smack my face and look at the floor. She walked right into it... I was actually trying not to laugh at this point, it was almost as if the lady had scripted this out with Ralph beforehand. I decided it was too late to stop at this point and since we're in Canada and I don't have to see these people often, I'll just let Uncle Ralph have his fun...
Uncle Ralph: We're having Chinese!
Me: Thats enough Ralph... <trying to prevent the disaster that is about to unfold>
Teller: Oh! That sounds wonderful! What will you order?
Uncle Ralph: I'm having the Chinese bumhole!
Teller: <slightly taken aback, but still unsure if she heard him correctly> Oh, I've never had that before...
Uncle Ralph: It's stuffed with BROWN rice!
Uncle Ralph got this big grin on his face, as the poor woman became visibly uncomfortable. I decided at that point that I would conduct my business at another time, due to the attention that Uncle Ralph was attracting with his boisterous voice and the giggling from the younger man beside us. I apologized to Mary, grabbed Ralph's arm and walked out of the bank. I stopped in the doorway to use the ATM, and Uncle Ralph continued outside.
Distracted momentarily by the ATM, Ralph was free to do as he pleased. He walked up to a young woman who was finishing a cigarette, and struck up a conversation. It took me a minute to realize what he might be talking about, and I gasped in horror as I realized what it was he was most likely talking about with the smoking woman. I quickly hit cancel on the ATM and ran outside, but it was too late, Ralph had delivered the punchline. I didn’t even give the woman time to react. I began apologizing as fast as I could, mumbled something about Alzheimers and stuffed Uncle Ralph in the car. I sat there for a moment with my head resting on the steering wheel. Unfortunately since I was in the bank I didn’t hear exactly how it went down, but I will tell you how I have heard it well over a thousand times…
Uncle Ralph: Smoking’s bad for you, you know.
Smoking woman: Thanks…. I didn’t know that…
Uncle Ralph: You know, I don’t drink or smoke!
Smoking woman: That’s nice…
Uncle Ralph: In fact, I’m so pure, I could become a Priest. But you know why I’m not?
Smoking woman: Why’s that?
Uncle Ralph: Because I don’t like little boys!
After a moment, I pick my head up off the steering wheel and look at Uncle Ralph.
“What was this you said about a bake sale?” he asks.
I put my head back down on the steering wheel. It was going to be a long day.
Last edited:
VanFaasenC
Official Tire Kicker
I want an uncle like that!! I would take him everywhere!
