Auto-related Humor

[Greg]

What your car says about you

Acura NSX..........................I’m an impotent dentist
Acura TL...........................I’m too bland for German cars. I like sporty Buicks
Buick Park Avenue...............I’m older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado.................I was a Mary Kay representative
Cadillac Escalade.................I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Cadillac Seville....................I’m a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro...............I’m out on parole
Chevrolet Corvette..............Ladies! I'm divorced and available.
Dodge Dart........................I teach third grade and I voted for Eisenhower
Ford Crown Victoria.............I enjoy looking like a traffic cop, I get people to slow down
Ford Mustang.....................I slow down to 80mph in school zones
Ford Taurus.......................I like driving rental/company cars
Honda Civic........................I’m in the 11th grade
Honda Accord (old)..............I’m in the 12th grade
Honda Accord (new)............I have no originality
Infiniti..............................I’m a physician with too many malpractice suits pending against me to afford a Mercedes
Jaguar XJ6........................I’m so rich I don’t give a damn what JD Powers says
Kia Sephia.........................I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu
Lincoln Town Car................I live for bingo
Mercedes 500SL.................Don’t even think of asking me for an autograph
Mazda Miata......................I have no fear of being decapitated by an 18-wheeler
Olds Cutlass......................I just stole this car
Plymouth Neon...................Hey, at least it was cheap.
Pontiac Trans Am...............I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911......................My divorce is almost final
Porsche Boxster.................My divorce is final and I'm stuck with the house payments
Saturn Ion........................Look, my dad bought me a sports car
Subaru Forester.................I went to college where the girls didn't shave their armpits
Toyota Camry...................I am still in the closet
Volkswagen Cabriolet..........I am out of the closet
Volkswagen Bus.................I am tripping right now
Volvo Wagon....................I’m afraid of my wife

What They are Saying on the Forums

The typical post goes something like this...

Mercedes forum
- My wife and her a-hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board?

Bentley Forums
- I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forums
- My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.

Mustang forums
-Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Monte Carlo forums
-Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.

Civic forums
-Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

VW Bug forum
- The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)

Yugo Forum
- When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini forum
- Wind noise around 210MPH

Miata forums
- Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics)

Chevy Tahoe forum
- Are gas prices going down any time soon?

Pontiac Fiero forum
- Just bought a new flame retardant suit (pics)

BMW 7-series forum
- Where to get service on my Rolex?

Cadillac forum
- Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Buick Forum
- Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?

Delorean forum
- Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.

Crown Victoria forum
- How come people don't never pass me on the highway?

Honda Accord forum
- Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Toyota Echo forum
- Do our cars use AAA or AA's?

Ferrari forums
- Need suggestions about a business trip to Columbia. Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche forums
- Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Saturn forums
- Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace.

Jaguar
- Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?

Mini
- Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)

Dodge Viper forum
- I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLarean F1 forum
-Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan forum
- Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?

Hummer forum
- Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in gas.

Fiat forum
-Hello? Am I the only member?

Subaru WRX forum
- I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.

Chevy pickup forum
- How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah truck?

 

[Greg]

You might be addicted to racing if:

* You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.
* You take your helmet along when you go to a car dealership for a test-drive.
* Every time you go to the grocery store you feel compelled to beat your previous best time.
* When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.
* When you hear 'overcooked it,' instead of food you think 'off the track.'
* You change engine oil every other week. You check tire pressures every other day.
* You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a highway off-ramp.
* You once had an argument with your wife over whether you should pay the mortgage on time or get those new heads while they were on sale.
* You push you cart through a proper line in the grocery store.
* You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
* You bought a tow vehicle instead of braces for your kid.
* You and your wife go house hunting and you never actually get inside the house because you're checking out the garage for 220v.
* You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.
* Your wife doesn't understand why you need three sets of tires for your car.
* Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.
* You have car parts in your cubicle at work.
* You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is: "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
* You're registered for wedding gifts with Edelbrock and Griggs.
* Your Christmas list begins with another set of BFG R1s and aluminum rack bushings and your 'significant other' knows what these are.
* Your home library consists of auto parts catalogs, books written by F1 drivers, anything about Carroll Shelby, and 400 car magazines.
* People know you by your car number or your "offs" -- "Oh, you were the one stuck in the mud in Turn 5 last weekend!"
* Your first date involves asking her to crew for you.
* Your friends have never seen your hair actually combed. They only know it's color as "greasy."
* Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you.
* You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.
* A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Corn."
* You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."
* You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars coming out.
* You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are the best.
* You can't stand understeer.
* You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.
* You hate long distance driving vacations, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.
* You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.
* You save broken car parts as " mementos".
* You've tried synthetic oil and racing gas in your lawn mower.
* You've tweaked your riding lawn mower trying to improve its cornering ability.
* Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have timeslips.
* You would choose a rollbar over air conditioning if it were an option.
* You enjoy driving through wet, empty parking lots using the Emergency Brake to turn.
* You spend more on insurance premiums than on food.
* When someone asks where you went to school, you reply, "Skip Barber".
* You have racing shops programmed on your speed dialer.
* You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.
* You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute.
* You've slalomed in a construction zone, and counted your penalty time in the rearview mirror afterwards.
* After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on your vacation she answers: "Why, is there a race there?"

You Know You've Gone too Far with Your Car When ...

* The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull into their bay.
* You can't drive your car in the rain.
* Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
* You are afraid to drive your car.
* You spend more on tires than on food.
* You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
* You see a picture of your car taped to the bulletin board at your local police station.
* You have to go to the track to buy gas.
* Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
* You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
* You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."
* You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
* You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.
* Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
* You need parachute braking.
* Your 'Significant other' won't even ride in the car.
* There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.
* Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened
* Fuel is delivered to your home in 55 gallon drums.
* You wear earplugs in your car.
* You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.
* Your exhaust pipes are larger in diameter than your driveline.
* Your fuel pump flows enough to water a golf course.
* Your engine idles at 2800 rpm.
* You measure the fuel you use in "gallons per mile".

Interpreting Automobile Want Ads

Must sell................................Hurry! Before it blows up!
Needs TLC.............................I don't have a thousand hours to put into this piece of crap. Do you?
Loaded!.................................Lots of stuff to break
Non-smoker............................he driver doesn't, but the car does
All original..............................Including the oil
Project car.............................The wife says it's either her or the car. What'll you give me for her?
Excellent condition...................Most people will never see the problems while test driving
Very good condition.................OK, I'll have to admit to the obvious stuff
Good condition........................I'm hoping it'll start when you come for a test drive
Rare.....................................Nobody EVER wanted one of these. Even when it was new
Classic..................................See "Project Car" above
Cream puff.............................Well, your grandmother would like it
Cheap...................................Under "Resale Value" Kelley Blue Book says "not applicable"

 

[xtremewheelz]

:bowrofl: