A bit of humor for today...

The Sensual Wife

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied............

"Go look in the garage," .
 
I told You I was Broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted
by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners..."
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!''
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."


The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork,
'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
 
Ted buys a harley. The seller tells him, "whenever it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust." And he hands Ted a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. So they take the bike. But just before they go in, She says: "I have to tell you When we eat, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "Okay", he says. They sit down and no one says a word.

As dinner goes on, Ted decides to test the situation. So he reaches over and grabs her boob. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, rips her clothes off, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. But no one says a word. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the table and nails her, then sits down But still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Ted remembers his bike, so he pulls thejar
of Vaseline from his pocket

... Suddenly the father shouts: "I'll DO the ****IN' dishes
 
Chicken Story

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young hens called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the pulletsurprise as well.


Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully ...the bells are not always audible...
 
Proof Men Have Better Friends

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
 
Top Ten Country Western Songs:


10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body but Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman but I Woke Up with a Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Just Like Having You Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him Already!

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips at Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
 
Mother's Driver's License....

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy", the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother replied. "It's not polite."


"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really", the mother says, "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."


Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"


"That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!"


The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her", the little girl says to her friend.
"Well,' says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it."


Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
"I know how old you are. You are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 130 pounds."


The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in Heaven's name did you find that out??"



"And" the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you
and daddy got a divorce."


"Oh really?" the mother asks, "Why is that??"


"Because you got an F in sex."
 
DIVORCE vs. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide. Just get a divorce!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist and humorist who once said:

"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
 
A Russian soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later.”
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Russian military police ran up and asked:
“Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her
skirt and said, “I can't thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don't want to
go to Ukraine.”
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would've seen a
great pair of balls too. I don't want to go to Ukraine either."
 
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