A bit of humor for today...

hangemhigh

hangemhigh

Club Member
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young
to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want
my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this
plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Texas stood up in
the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel
eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt
as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his
shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke...


'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
 
NY City Blonde

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome
young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we
are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always
wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but
comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a
bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He
brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
 
So this young horny chick complains to her OB-GYN that she keeps seeing Puertorican poastage stamps falling out of her vagina. Asks the Doc to have a look. He gets her all set up, has a peek then says they're not postage stamps they're the stickers off your bananas.
 
NOTE ON THE FRIDGE

I came home from the golf course today.

The wife had left a note on the fridge:

"IT'S NOT WORKING. I can't take it anymore!

Gone to stay with my Mother."

I opened the fridge. The light came on, and the beer

was cold.

What the hell is she talking about?
 
THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer.
Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Barack Obama!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:
You can save the life of Barrack Obama or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful socialist Muslim men hell bent on the destruction of America.

THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.





Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of Black and White?
 
Torxila said:
So this young horny chick complains to her OB-GYN that she keeps seeing Puertorican poastage stamps falling out of her vagina. Asks the Doc to have a look. He gets her all set up, has a peek then says they're not postage stamps they're the stickers off your bananas.
Click to expand...
Hope they are not plantains ...
 
QUESTION: What is the fastest animal in the world?

ANSWER: A chicken in Ethiopia.









MEET AT THE OCEAN VIEW RESTAURANT
________________________________________
A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. They finally agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street and they might see him, and they could ride their bikes there.

10 years later, the group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. They finally agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover, and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. They finally agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym, and if they went late enough there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. They finally agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. They finally agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. They finally agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and they had an early bird special.

10 years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. They finally agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy, the restaurant was handicapped accessible, and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. They finally agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.





The Dept of Defense briefed President Obama this morning.
They told him that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Libya today.

To everyone's surprise, he collapsed onto his desk, head in his
hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.


Finally, he composed himself and asked,
'Just how many is a brazilian?'
 
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.” I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family”.

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
 
Two nuns sat at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside.

"Hey! Let's see your t$ts, you stuck up penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off you little ****s, before I come over there and rip your balls off!"

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"
 
Woman Stops Deadly Grizzly Attack

With Tiny .25 Cal Pistol

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an itsy-bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.

What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

This is her story about her Beretta Jetfire .25 cal pistol and how it saved her life:


‘While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my husband we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my husband's knee cap was all it took;

The bear got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of my favourite pistols in my collection!’
 
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