cjmatt
Club Member
1. These days, you can barely muster the energy to punch each other.
2. Your engagement ring is made of calamari.
3. Your friends refer to you as "Biggie" and "Tupac."
4. You keep a "Go Bag" at his apartment.
5. You finish each other's silences.
6. The erotic highlight of your week is "Whip It Out Wednesday."
7. You think fondly of the sanitation worker who called your butt "redonkulous" this morning.
8. You take separate sexcations.
9. You're making it work for the sake of her stuffed animals.
10. He's stopped flipping over his grandmother's portrait before sex.
11. The L sounds have returned to "My Wittle Wovemuffin."
12. You come home to find a trail of rose petals and a note that reads: "Went to orgy. Don't wait up."
13. Your Sleep Numbers add up to 666.
14. On Wife Swap, your first question for your new husband was, "Wait ... where's my bamboo cage?"
15. You're in couples counseling—with someone else.
16. She only wears her rape whistle around the house.
17. Your kids refer to you as "That Man."
18. His last name is Montague-McCoy; yours is Capulet-Hatfield.
19. She keeps accidentally stabbing you.
20. His name is Rudy Giuliani.
21. She's desperately trying to set you up with her gay friends.
22. Your name, tattooed on his chest, has somehow morphed into a Jamaican Bart Simpson.
23. He erased your wedding video to tape more episodes of Arli$$.
24. Your couples therapist recommends electroshock.
25. You leave for work in the middle of the night just so you don't have to say good morning.
26. She insists you wear a condom 24 hours a day.
27. Lifetime has optioned the movie rights.
28. You met six months ago at a masquerade ball and he still refuses to remove his mask.
29. He loaned you to another inmate for a carton of off-brand cigarettes.
30. Her parents still think you're the gardener.
31. She won't tell you why her screen name is TheGuzzler.
32. You role-play as "Guy With a Reason to Live" and "Girl Who Doesn't Cry After Sex."
33. Each year on your anniversary he gets another teardrop tattoo.
34. You caught him masturbating to Kramer vs. Kramer.
35. You fly into a violent rage if he interrupts Deal or No Deal.
36. You communicate in sign language; are not deaf.
37. At your high school reunion, you introduce him as "the reason I'm on Paxil."
38. Your respective Christmas stockings say Shrew and Let's end this charade, Doug.
39. After six months, you still only know him as 071734.
40. You've started wearing your wedding ring on your middle finger.
41. 2003: "I love your little flaws." 2008: "Control that sleep apnea, fatso."
42. She swims nude with the dolphins every chance she gets—the Miami Dolphins.
43. You separately live-blogged your honeymoon.
44. That line of duct tape down the center of your bed.
45. He brought his Game Boy into the delivery room.
46. He's on a first-name basis with the staff at Bangkok International Airport.
47. Dinner has become winging a Lunchables at your head.
48. She asked for your help writing her Nerve profile.
49. You deliberately puncture your tires two blocks from home just to have an excuse to smoke a cigarette and wait for a tow truck.
50. To get out of "date night," you hire a stranger to shoot you in the ass.
51. You have a pool boy, but no pool.
52. Lately, your pet name has been "Donkey Breath Ass Face."
53. Your response to "Does this skirt make me look fat?" is "No, your giant ass makes you look fat."
54. When the clock strikes 12 on New Year's Eve, he shakes your hand.
55. Maury Povich's people keep wooing you with gift baskets.
56. She makes vague, ominous remarks like, "I'm leaving for my sister's house on Tuesday and never coming back."
57. Out of nowhere, the cashier at the supermarket says, "Don't worry, five inches is almost average."
58. You've awoken each other's bi-curiosity.
59. After every argument, he says, "I wouldn't have to put up with this if we were in the Taliban."
60. His pet name for you is "Chief."
61. You spent your vacation fund on his-and-hers Scientology audits.
62. Last time you had sex, you ejaculated tears.
63. The only spooning you've done lately is ice cream into your face.
64. Although not a special occasion, you sometimes call just to whisper, "You've stolen my youth."
65. You make love through a hole in a sheet; are not Hasidic Jews.
66. Your safe word is "fuck you."
67. Your nightly sex has earned pity applause from the neighborhood peeping tom.
68. You're afraid of Virginia Woolf.
69. For some reason, she no longer wants to be saved from her pimp.
70. You sold your hair to buy him a watch fob; he sold your iPod to buy a case of Jägermeister.
71. You've been nostalgic lately for your childhood in the killing fields of Cambodia.
72. Even your mutual orgasms have become sarcastic.
73. She's a mannequin, and you're the only one who's ever seen her come to life.
74. Two years in, you've yet to meet his conjoined twin.
75. Her dogs hate you, as do her cats, salamanders, macaws, ferrets, cousins, friends, and hermit crabs.
76. The nightly fight over who gets the top bunk.
77. You finish each other's sentences with "and I'm a big crybaby idiot."
78. Facebook relationship status: "Why me, God?"
79. Instead of kissing you hello, she sniffs your genitals.
80. He proposed to you on Twitter.
81. In Italy, vultures circle over your gondola.
82. On your birthday, you received a cake with "we need to talk" in icing.
83. Your score on the Cosmo compatibility quiz is "Kafkaesque."
84. You recently renewed your vows at an OTB.
85. Your pet parrot won't stop saying, "I'm sorry, I just can't go through the motions anymore."
86. She'll no longer wear the fake beard during lovemaking.
87. You dressed as the von Bülows for Halloween.
88. You always remember to say "I love you." You just never actually say it.
89. Instead of "I do," he said, "Yup."
90. You miss having your mother-in-law around.
91. Your family crest features a cock fight.
92. For your one-year anniversary, he gave you a copy of He's Just Not That Into You.
93. The police rent the house next door so it's easier to respond to your domestic disturbances.
94. You get pizza delivered just for the human contact.
95. You've started reading How Stella Got Her Groove Back with a highlighter.
96. At your last Tupperware party, you asked if there were any containers large enough to hold your regrets.
97. This morning you discovered your bicycle built for two had been sawed in half.
98. Your wedding videographer was Joe Francis.
99. You scream "Take that!" during orgasm.
100. You're going to tape this list to your refrigerator.
2. Your engagement ring is made of calamari.
3. Your friends refer to you as "Biggie" and "Tupac."
4. You keep a "Go Bag" at his apartment.
5. You finish each other's silences.
6. The erotic highlight of your week is "Whip It Out Wednesday."
7. You think fondly of the sanitation worker who called your butt "redonkulous" this morning.
8. You take separate sexcations.
9. You're making it work for the sake of her stuffed animals.
10. He's stopped flipping over his grandmother's portrait before sex.
11. The L sounds have returned to "My Wittle Wovemuffin."
12. You come home to find a trail of rose petals and a note that reads: "Went to orgy. Don't wait up."
13. Your Sleep Numbers add up to 666.
14. On Wife Swap, your first question for your new husband was, "Wait ... where's my bamboo cage?"
15. You're in couples counseling—with someone else.
16. She only wears her rape whistle around the house.
17. Your kids refer to you as "That Man."
18. His last name is Montague-McCoy; yours is Capulet-Hatfield.
19. She keeps accidentally stabbing you.
20. His name is Rudy Giuliani.
21. She's desperately trying to set you up with her gay friends.
22. Your name, tattooed on his chest, has somehow morphed into a Jamaican Bart Simpson.
23. He erased your wedding video to tape more episodes of Arli$$.
24. Your couples therapist recommends electroshock.
25. You leave for work in the middle of the night just so you don't have to say good morning.
26. She insists you wear a condom 24 hours a day.
27. Lifetime has optioned the movie rights.
28. You met six months ago at a masquerade ball and he still refuses to remove his mask.
29. He loaned you to another inmate for a carton of off-brand cigarettes.
30. Her parents still think you're the gardener.
31. She won't tell you why her screen name is TheGuzzler.
32. You role-play as "Guy With a Reason to Live" and "Girl Who Doesn't Cry After Sex."
33. Each year on your anniversary he gets another teardrop tattoo.
34. You caught him masturbating to Kramer vs. Kramer.
35. You fly into a violent rage if he interrupts Deal or No Deal.
36. You communicate in sign language; are not deaf.
37. At your high school reunion, you introduce him as "the reason I'm on Paxil."
38. Your respective Christmas stockings say Shrew and Let's end this charade, Doug.
39. After six months, you still only know him as 071734.
40. You've started wearing your wedding ring on your middle finger.
41. 2003: "I love your little flaws." 2008: "Control that sleep apnea, fatso."
42. She swims nude with the dolphins every chance she gets—the Miami Dolphins.
43. You separately live-blogged your honeymoon.
44. That line of duct tape down the center of your bed.
45. He brought his Game Boy into the delivery room.
46. He's on a first-name basis with the staff at Bangkok International Airport.
47. Dinner has become winging a Lunchables at your head.
48. She asked for your help writing her Nerve profile.
49. You deliberately puncture your tires two blocks from home just to have an excuse to smoke a cigarette and wait for a tow truck.
50. To get out of "date night," you hire a stranger to shoot you in the ass.
51. You have a pool boy, but no pool.
52. Lately, your pet name has been "Donkey Breath Ass Face."
53. Your response to "Does this skirt make me look fat?" is "No, your giant ass makes you look fat."
54. When the clock strikes 12 on New Year's Eve, he shakes your hand.
55. Maury Povich's people keep wooing you with gift baskets.
56. She makes vague, ominous remarks like, "I'm leaving for my sister's house on Tuesday and never coming back."
57. Out of nowhere, the cashier at the supermarket says, "Don't worry, five inches is almost average."
58. You've awoken each other's bi-curiosity.
59. After every argument, he says, "I wouldn't have to put up with this if we were in the Taliban."
60. His pet name for you is "Chief."
61. You spent your vacation fund on his-and-hers Scientology audits.
62. Last time you had sex, you ejaculated tears.
63. The only spooning you've done lately is ice cream into your face.
64. Although not a special occasion, you sometimes call just to whisper, "You've stolen my youth."
65. You make love through a hole in a sheet; are not Hasidic Jews.
66. Your safe word is "fuck you."
67. Your nightly sex has earned pity applause from the neighborhood peeping tom.
68. You're afraid of Virginia Woolf.
69. For some reason, she no longer wants to be saved from her pimp.
70. You sold your hair to buy him a watch fob; he sold your iPod to buy a case of Jägermeister.
71. You've been nostalgic lately for your childhood in the killing fields of Cambodia.
72. Even your mutual orgasms have become sarcastic.
73. She's a mannequin, and you're the only one who's ever seen her come to life.
74. Two years in, you've yet to meet his conjoined twin.
75. Her dogs hate you, as do her cats, salamanders, macaws, ferrets, cousins, friends, and hermit crabs.
76. The nightly fight over who gets the top bunk.
77. You finish each other's sentences with "and I'm a big crybaby idiot."
78. Facebook relationship status: "Why me, God?"
79. Instead of kissing you hello, she sniffs your genitals.
80. He proposed to you on Twitter.
81. In Italy, vultures circle over your gondola.
82. On your birthday, you received a cake with "we need to talk" in icing.
83. Your score on the Cosmo compatibility quiz is "Kafkaesque."
84. You recently renewed your vows at an OTB.
85. Your pet parrot won't stop saying, "I'm sorry, I just can't go through the motions anymore."
86. She'll no longer wear the fake beard during lovemaking.
87. You dressed as the von Bülows for Halloween.
88. You always remember to say "I love you." You just never actually say it.
89. Instead of "I do," he said, "Yup."
90. You miss having your mother-in-law around.
91. Your family crest features a cock fight.
92. For your one-year anniversary, he gave you a copy of He's Just Not That Into You.
93. The police rent the house next door so it's easier to respond to your domestic disturbances.
94. You get pizza delivered just for the human contact.
95. You've started reading How Stella Got Her Groove Back with a highlighter.
96. At your last Tupperware party, you asked if there were any containers large enough to hold your regrets.
97. This morning you discovered your bicycle built for two had been sawed in half.
98. Your wedding videographer was Joe Francis.
99. You scream "Take that!" during orgasm.
100. You're going to tape this list to your refrigerator.
